Wedding Sparkler Inferno

It could be the most environmentally friendly substitute for throwing rice after a wedding. Or it could be a tragedy waiting to happen.

My friends Bryan and Torrey had their wedding guests wave sparklers at them as they left their wedding reception in lieu of throwing rice, blowing bubbles or ringing bells.

Look at the pictures. The pictures are amazing. The one thing you can’t see in the pictures is that most of the guests holding the sparklers are really drunk. The only day drunk people should be allowed to handle pyrotechnics is on the Fourth Of July.

I kept picturing ala “A Christmas Story” with someone yelling at me “You’ll burn your eye out!”

Is this a perfect photo op or is this a horrific inferno waiting to ruin our lives? My biggest fear was I might set the bride’s veil on fire. While there are many brides I would have loved to have doused with gasoline and set ablaze, my friend Torrey is not one of them. 

My other fear was a spark from the sparklers would hit Aunt Ester’s oxygen tank and blow us all to hell. Luckily I lived to share the tale with you.

Thunderstealing (calendar Date Stealing)

According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, stealing someone’s thunder is to prevent someone from having success or getting attention, praise, etc., by doing or saying whatever that person was planning to do or say.

If you book your wedding within 12 weeks before a wedding which will have a lot of the same guests, you are thunder stealing.

There are at least 5 couples I know who are going to think this article is about them. The truth is it’s about my friend Meredith but this is a common problem that affects lots of people.

Here are some guidelines for booking a wedding date: 

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Getting Married On Siblings Birthday

Here is an email from an IHateWeddings.com reader: “What happens when you sacrifice your birthday so your brother can celebrate his anniversary every year on your birthday? I find that a stab in the back.”

We talk about Thunderstealing a lot at IHateWeddings.com. This is the ultimate case of Thunderstealing. This is a moment of Thunderstealing that is a lifetime in the making.

Here is a new IHateWeddings.com rule: You are not allowed to get married on your unmarried siblings’ birthdays. Especially if it looks like your unmarried sibling will never get married. That means for the rest of your life your spinster sister’s special day will be overshadowed by your anniversary.

And don’t pray for your brother to get divorced. Then instead of your birthday and his anniversary being the happiest day of your brother’s life, it will be the worst day of his life.  

While your family is singing you “Happy Birthday” they’ll secretly be feeling bad for your divorced brother.

Wedding Is Off. Party Is On

My friend Michelle called off her wedding 6 weeks before the date of the wedding. Her parents stand to lose $20,000 in deposits that will not be returned. Since they have the hall anyway, the former couple is throwing a “Valentine’s Party” on February 18th. They are inviting guests from the former bride and the former groom’s side of what would have been a family.

Guests are asked to pay $100 dollars per seat to help defray the cost of Michelle’s cold feet.

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Questions to ask before being in a bridal party

For young professionals in hard economic times I have created a list of questions you should ask yourself before accepting the honor of becoming someone’s bridesmaids or groomsmen. These hard financial times have given the young and poor among us permission to say “I can’t afford to be your man-slave for six months as you plan your wedding.”  

But in all seriousness, when you agree to be in a wedding party there are expectations. If the expectations bother you say no. If you don’t have enough time to live up to the bride and groom’s expectations say “No, thank you I can’t do it.” If you don’t have enough money to live up to the bride and groom’s expectations say “No thank you I can’t do it.”

You won’t be in the pictures the young couple may keep on the mantle. But you’ll save a friendship.

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The Other Bachelor Party

One solution to the “Do you invite the in-laws to the bachelor party?” situation is to have two bachelor parties.

You have what everyone THINKS is the bachelor party. You make it classy. Maybe you invite the bride’s father to a steak dinner with the boys. That should double the dowry right there.

Then a week later you have the second bachelor party. The REAL bachelor party. That’s the bachelor party with the strippers and hookers and debauchery. Only a select group of men can be invited to that one.

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Signs You’re A B list Wedding Guest

I think the hardest part of planning a wedding is picking who you want to come to the wedding. Instead of voting people off the island, families have to “vote friends out of the reception.” It’s a hard process, especially for couples having smaller weddings.

But sometimes couples have the reverse problem. After they’ve boiled down the guest list to their favorite relatives and friends the RSVPs start coming in. They start to realize that their most treasured friends and family members don’t want to come to their wedding.

Empty chairs means lost revenue for the bride and groom. Plus there is nothing more humiliating to a young couple getting married than empty tables at your reception. 

It’s at that point Brides and Grooms have to whip out “The B List” and sometimes things get so bad . . . they have to whip out “The D List.”

Here are some signs you were a B List wedding guest.

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I Love Weddings dot com?

10 Things That Would Make Me Love A Wedding

I’m always complaining about how much I Hate Weddings. I haven’t hated every wedding I went to. In fact there were a few I liked quite a bit. In an effort to be positive, I thought I would write a post about the 10 elements of a wedding that would make me love a wedding.

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Best Wedding Of 2018

One of the best weddings I can think of in recent memory was the one I wasn’t invited to. My friend Marc eloped with his girlfriend Pam last fall in Hawaii.

They were planning on having a small wedding in New England but it was spiraling out of control. Marc and Pam were just starting out and were going to pay for the wedding themselves. Despite the fact she wasn’t chipping in, Marc’s mother had a guest list of over 80 people. When asked to cut the list down, Marc’s mom said “that’s as short as I can make it. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

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