Tissues For Your Tears Of Joy

It’s been a growing trend to hand out “Tissues For Your Tears Of Joy” with the wedding programs at the ceremony. The trend has grown so much that there are directions on the web for making origami tissue packs so that these tissue packages will match your invitation paper.

It’s cocky to presume people are going to be crying tears of joy at your wedding.

Yes, people tend to cry at weddings. But you know what? There is no guarantee they will cry at YOUR wedding.

People often cry at funerals. Not everyone at my funeral will be sad. There will be at least one or two women who will say: “That a-hole deserved it. He made fun of my wedding.”

When I saw the Kleenex of happiness sitting on the pew at the church I didn’t cry. My friends and I laughed. I said: “He’s marrying a woman who is anal enough to make 400 origami tissue packages?”

At this point, a handful of guests proceeded to take bets on how long this marriage was going to last. The bride’s uncle suggested we hold the groom down and prevent a life a misery by suffocating him with the tissues.

I didn’t need “Tissues For My Tears Of Joy”, I needed a “Barf Bag For My Liquid Disgust.”

More couples should hand out barf bags at their nuptials. Odds are they’re at least a little nauseating. Let’s pretend the couple doesn’t make you want to puke during the ceremony; if it’s a destination wedding, you can use the bags on the flight home.

There are two very good reasons to hand out barf bags at your wedding. 1) There was crazy drinking the night before or 2) You’re a nauseating couple.

Not to get all “crafty” on you but here are some instructions for making your own “Barf Bag For You Liquid Disgust” the next time you’re at a wedding so nauseating they have “Tissues For Your Tears Of Joy.”

1) Go to the liquor store across the street from the church.

2) Buy a few airplane sized bottles of liquor.

3) When asked paper or plastic. Go plastic. If it’s an option.

4) Pound booze before going into church. (It will make the ceremony go quicker.)

5) Save one bottle for half way through the ceremony

6) Puke as necessary.

7) Tie bag up and leave under pew.

If you don’t use the barf bag save it as a memento of your special time with the bride and groom.