Bridal sweat suits

I’ve been to three weddings where in the last hour of the reception the bride takes off her white dress and puts on a white sweat suit. The suit has some sort of wedding related message written in sequins on her butt like “just married.” In my experience, the groom also slips into something more comfortable; tuxedo pants and a wife beater tee shirt.

The only way you could be trashier is if you were eight and a half months pregnant and marrying Kevin Federline.

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Tissues For Your Tears Of Joy

It’s been a growing trend to hand out “Tissues For Your Tears Of Joy” with the wedding programs at the ceremony. The trend has grown so much that there are directions on the web for making origami tissue packs so that these tissue packages will match your invitation paper.

It’s cocky to presume people are going to be crying tears of joy at your wedding.

Yes, people tend to cry at weddings. But you know what? There is no guarantee they will cry at YOUR wedding.

People often cry at funerals. Not everyone at my funeral will be sad. There will be at least one or two women who will say: “That a-hole deserved it. He made fun of my wedding.”

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Wedding Sparkler Inferno

It could be the most environmentally friendly substitute for throwing rice after a wedding. Or it could be a tragedy waiting to happen.

My friends Bryan and Torrey had their wedding guests wave sparklers at them as they left their wedding reception in lieu of throwing rice, blowing bubbles or ringing bells.

Look at the pictures. The pictures are amazing. The one thing you can’t see in the pictures is that most of the guests holding the sparklers are really drunk. The only day drunk people should be allowed to handle pyrotechnics is on the Fourth Of July.

I kept picturing ala “A Christmas Story” with someone yelling at me “You’ll burn your eye out!”

Is this a perfect photo op or is this a horrific inferno waiting to ruin our lives? My biggest fear was I might set the bride’s veil on fire. While there are many brides I would have loved to have doused with gasoline and set ablaze, my friend Torrey is not one of them. 

My other fear was a spark from the sparklers would hit Aunt Ester’s oxygen tank and blow us all to hell. Luckily I lived to share the tale with you.