Rule Number 1: If you can’t afford to buy alcohol for your guests, you can’t afford to have 300 people at your wedding.
I don’t care how great the food is. I don’t care if a bridesmaid makes love to me under the dessert trolley. If I’m at your wedding and I’m sober, I’m going to be mad.
My friend Mike Petrillo was marrying his fiancé Noelle. Noelle wanted to have the entire Eastern seaboard at her wedding.
She told all of Mike’s buddies that there was going to be an open bar.
There was an open bar, during the cocktail hour. Literally five minutes after I put the gift envelope into the lock box, I ordered a Bud and the bartender asked me for eight bucks.
There is no point in inviting 350 people to bear witness to your special day if you can’t afford to get them liquored up. Your wedding will be filled with 350 people who are mad you won’t buy them booze.
Maybe you should scale back on the guest list just a bit. Maybe you don’t have to invite your neighbor’s third grade teacher? The whole point of a wedding is QUALITY of fun not QUANTITY of people there.
Rule Number 2: If you can’t afford to buy soda for your guests, you can’t afford to get married and start a family.
It’s that simple. I went to a friend Derrick’s wedding in Vermont. I drove 5 hours to get there and spent $120 bucks on a hotel room and they can’t afford to give me a lousy Shasta? I’m not even asking for a name brand cola like Coke or Pepsi. Give me a fucking Shasta. Hell, if Shasta is too expensive go to the local grocery store and buy a few cases of their store brand cola.
If you can’t afford to load the Taurus up with a trunk full of Shasta cancel the wedding because you can’t afford to be married. If she’s pregnant and it’s a shotgun wedding, make plans to put that child up for adoption because you can’t afford to keep it.
If I have a friend who genuinely can’t afford soda for a large family event, tell me. That will be my gift.
Derrick just invited me to his new son’s baptism. I’m not sure if I want to go because I’m afraid I’ll have to pay a quarter if I need to use the toilet.