Called Out For Not Giving A Gift

I remember this story well. I’ve always advocated for not giving wedding gifts in the spirit of reducing bridal expectations.

But there was a time in my life when I genuinely couldn’t afford to give a wedding gift. all of the events that go into a wedding. The nice suit, the travel, the hotel, and bachelor party were costs that added up.

I did have a bride call me out on not giving a gift at the earliest and lowest points of my comedy and TV career.

Exposed Not Giving A Gift  (Needs A Good Bachelor Party Picture)

Some college friends and I were at a welcome home party for a friend who was abroad. I had noticed my friend Eric’s new wife Julie was very cold to me. I asked her if she was feeling ill. She said that she was not ill but “rather surprised by my balls.”

I had never had a married woman say she was surprised by my balls before. So I asked her to elaborate.

She said she was surprised I had the balls to talk to her even though I had not gotten her and her husband a wedding gift from six months earlier.

I told her she had balls to expect a gift from me. 

Frankly, if you invite a unemployed comedian living with his parents to your wedding . . . you deserve to be stiffed. You have a better chance getting something from a bus boy, who is supporting a family of 12 while working at the local Outback.

But I was stunned she exposed me in front of so many people. Usually, when confronted, I lie and say I left the envelope on the table and suggest that one of the in-laws took it.

I was particularly hurt when my friend Eric sided with her on the issue. I didn’t expect him to side with me . . . the enemy. That would have been suicide. The right thing to do was to be spineless and say nothing. 

I lost all respect for him when he uttered the words “Well, you gotta admit, that was cheap of you, Tom.”

I don’t mind her complaining because, well, she was expecting some sort of Corningware. So I did stiff her. But I did give Eric a gift. I went to his expensive bachelor party.

It was held in a part of neighborhood known for loose women, cheap bars, and overpriced strip clubs. We got a limo and a hotel room. Unlike most heterosexual men, I hate strip clubs. Why pay to see naked women when you can see them on the internet for free? I hate giving my hard earned money to strippers when I know there is a good chance they will spend the money one of two things I don’t approve of: illegal drugs or their children.

I will, however, go to a strip club for a bachelor party. But only if there are “non strip club” activities scheduled. The “non strip club” activities for Eric’s bachelor party were merely a rouse to get one more person to split the limo costs.

After buying him two $40 dollar lap dances and three $9 dollar drinks . . . his thirst for boobs could not be quenched. Which is understandable given, I don’t think Eric’s has seen his wife naked since the wedding night. (Julie gives a whole new meaning to the word Frigidaire.)

Regardless, I ended up spending almost $300 dollars on Eric’s last night as a single man. Then three months later he had the gall to point out a slight financial oversight. (Ok, I was blatantly going to stiff him but still. His betrayal is a kick in the crotch.)

So that Monday, I sent Eric’s and Julie a card letting them know I got them a wedding gift. I gave it to Eric’s at his bachelor party. 

Luckily, I had this picture to remind him!

My Share of the Limo: $50.00

Two Lap Dances For your pal: $200.00

Overpriced water-downed drinks at strip club: $47.00

Sending your lame-ass friend’s new bride pictures of him making out with a stripper: Priceless.

Republishing the picture on IHateWeddings.Com: More Pricelesser

Surprisingly . . . Eric and Julie have yet to send me a thank you card.

6 thoughts on “Called Out For Not Giving A Gift

  1. The combination is meant to replicate the performance of the similar investment.
    Most in the patterns are daily pattern, and that’s why every day trader can trade
    in the form of low risk high profit formation on a day-to-day basis.
    If you want to make a profit in Forex trading, you have to change position influenced by current trades.

  2. Very good blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers?

    I’m hoping to start my own website soon but I’m a little
    lost on everything. Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress
    or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there
    that I’m totally confused .. Any suggestions?

    Cheers!

  3. Hello, i think that i noticed you visited my
    website so i got here to go back the choose?.I’m trying to in finding issues to improve my site!I suppose its good enough to make use of some of your ideas!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.