Called Out For Not Giving A Gift

I remember this story well. I’ve always advocated for not giving wedding gifts in the spirit of reducing bridal expectations.

But there was a time in my life when I genuinely couldn’t afford to give a wedding gift. all of the events that go into a wedding. The nice suit, the travel, the hotel, and bachelor party were costs that added up.

I did have a bride call me out on not giving a gift at the earliest and lowest points of my comedy and TV career.

Exposed Not Giving A Gift  (Needs A Good Bachelor Party Picture)

Some college friends and I were at a welcome home party for a friend who was abroad. I had noticed my friend Eric’s new wife Julie was very cold to me. I asked her if she was feeling ill. She said that she was not ill but “rather surprised by my balls.”

I had never had a married woman say she was surprised by my balls before. So I asked her to elaborate.

She said she was surprised I had the balls to talk to her even though I had not gotten her and her husband a wedding gift from six months earlier.

I told her she had balls to expect a gift from me. 

Frankly, if you invite a unemployed comedian living with his parents to your wedding . . . you deserve to be stiffed. You have a better chance getting something from a bus boy, who is supporting a family of 12 while working at the local Outback.

But I was stunned she exposed me in front of so many people. Usually, when confronted, I lie and say I left the envelope on the table and suggest that one of the in-laws took it.

I was particularly hurt when my friend Eric sided with her on the issue. I didn’t expect him to side with me . . . the enemy. That would have been suicide. The right thing to do was to be spineless and say nothing. 

I lost all respect for him when he uttered the words “Well, you gotta admit, that was cheap of you, Tom.”

I don’t mind her complaining because, well, she was expecting some sort of Corningware. So I did stiff her. But I did give Eric a gift. I went to his expensive bachelor party.

It was held in a part of neighborhood known for loose women, cheap bars, and overpriced strip clubs. We got a limo and a hotel room. Unlike most heterosexual men, I hate strip clubs. Why pay to see naked women when you can see them on the internet for free? I hate giving my hard earned money to strippers when I know there is a good chance they will spend the money one of two things I don’t approve of: illegal drugs or their children.

I will, however, go to a strip club for a bachelor party. But only if there are “non strip club” activities scheduled. The “non strip club” activities for Eric’s bachelor party were merely a rouse to get one more person to split the limo costs.

After buying him two $40 dollar lap dances and three $9 dollar drinks . . . his thirst for boobs could not be quenched. Which is understandable given, I don’t think Eric’s has seen his wife naked since the wedding night. (Julie gives a whole new meaning to the word Frigidaire.)

Regardless, I ended up spending almost $300 dollars on Eric’s last night as a single man. Then three months later he had the gall to point out a slight financial oversight. (Ok, I was blatantly going to stiff him but still. His betrayal is a kick in the crotch.)

So that Monday, I sent Eric’s and Julie a card letting them know I got them a wedding gift. I gave it to Eric’s at his bachelor party. 

Luckily, I had this picture to remind him!

My Share of the Limo: $50.00

Two Lap Dances For your pal: $200.00

Overpriced water-downed drinks at strip club: $47.00

Sending your lame-ass friend’s new bride pictures of him making out with a stripper: Priceless.

Republishing the picture on IHateWeddings.Com: More Pricelesser

Surprisingly . . . Eric and Julie have yet to send me a thank you card.

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