ALCOHOL AND WEDDING TOASTS

Ever hear the phrase “expect the least from those who talk the most”? That phrase can be applied to yours truly, Tom Kelly, the creator of IHateWeddings.com when I had to give a toast at a wedding.  

I am not proud but I have given the worst toast in wedding history.  It wasn’t just bad.  It was offensive.

Mike never made me feel bad about it.  Even his wife just said “I hope you learned something from the experience.”

From my mistakes, I have LIFE LESSONS on how to mimimize toast disasters. 

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Thank You Cards

Do me a favor, if my dad goes to your wedding and gives you a generous wedding gift, don’t tell him you spent the money on something fun.

My dad likes giving generous wedding gifts. He feels like he’s helping you get your life started. What he doesn’t like, is seeing people have fun. He works hard. He saves his money. He doesn’t spend his money on fun so you shouldn’t spend his money on fun.

My parents went to a distant cousin’s wedding this year. He just got a thank you card back which read “Thank you for the generous gift. We used the money to pay for our honeymoon in Mexico.”

I hate to sound like I’m turning into my father but if they spent my money on their honeymoon I would have been mad too. I’ve never been to Mexico. I can’t afford to go to Mexico because all of my friends are getting married and I have to go to their weddings.

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Called Out For Not Giving A Gift

I remember this story well. I’ve always advocated for not giving wedding gifts in the spirit of reducing bridal expectations.

But there was a time in my life when I genuinely couldn’t afford to give a wedding gift. all of the events that go into a wedding. The nice suit, the travel, the hotel, and bachelor party were costs that added up.

I did have a bride call me out on not giving a gift at the earliest and lowest points of my comedy and TV career.

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Cash Bar At The Wedding?

Rule Number 1: If you can’t afford to buy alcohol for your guests, you can’t afford to have 300 people at your wedding.

I don’t care how great the food is. I don’t care if a bridesmaid makes love to me under the dessert trolley. If I’m at your wedding and I’m sober, I’m going to be mad.

My friend Mike Petrillo was marrying his fiancé Noelle. Noelle wanted to have the entire Eastern seaboard at her wedding.

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Groom’s Mother Enforcing Ethnic Stereotypes

My friend Matt is marrying his fiancé MaureEn. Maureen is from Ireland. She already is a citizen of the United States so we don’t have to worry about her using Matt to get a green card. She does well professionally so we don’t have to worry about her using Matt for his money.

In fact, Maureen has things so together, we often wonder why she’s marrying Matt in the first place.

With his fiancé’s family in Ireland, Matt thought the planning process would be hassle free. Then his mother suggested that he hire Irish step dancers to perform at the wedding.

“Does your mother think you are marrying a leprechaun?” Maureen asked afterwards.

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Second Wedding Tips

They say love is better the second time around. But are weddings? Here are some tips for couples who are planning a wedding where someone has been married before.

Second Wedding Tips

Here are some ground rules for people who are marrying someone who has been married before.

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Wedding Sparkler Inferno

It could be the most environmentally friendly substitute for throwing rice after a wedding. Or it could be a tragedy waiting to happen.

My friends Bryan and Torrey had their wedding guests wave sparklers at them as they left their wedding reception in lieu of throwing rice, blowing bubbles or ringing bells.

Look at the pictures. The pictures are amazing. The one thing you can’t see in the pictures is that most of the guests holding the sparklers are really drunk. The only day drunk people should be allowed to handle pyrotechnics is on the Fourth Of July.

I kept picturing ala “A Christmas Story” with someone yelling at me “You’ll burn your eye out!”

Is this a perfect photo op or is this a horrific inferno waiting to ruin our lives? My biggest fear was I might set the bride’s veil on fire. While there are many brides I would have loved to have doused with gasoline and set ablaze, my friend Torrey is not one of them. 

My other fear was a spark from the sparklers would hit Aunt Ester’s oxygen tank and blow us all to hell. Luckily I lived to share the tale with you.

Thunderstealing (calendar Date Stealing)

According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, stealing someone’s thunder is to prevent someone from having success or getting attention, praise, etc., by doing or saying whatever that person was planning to do or say.

If you book your wedding within 12 weeks before a wedding which will have a lot of the same guests, you are thunder stealing.

There are at least 5 couples I know who are going to think this article is about them. The truth is it’s about my friend Meredith but this is a common problem that affects lots of people.

Here are some guidelines for booking a wedding date: 

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